Take A News Break

Fall 2000 Issue

Here's where we'll share the strangest, funniest, 
weirdest stuff our clips have turned up

Only In America

Alabama: Only By The Light Of Day

In Birmingham, couples can be fined for disorderly conduct if they have sex on the steps of any church after the sun goes down. The law says nothing about having sex in daylight.

California: Where Sleeping Dogs Don't Lie

Berkeley's City Council has made it illegal for dogs to lie on specific sidewalks. Violators are subject to arrest.

Connecticut: Housebreaking 101

In Hartford, it is illegal to teach or endeavor to try to educate a dog. (We assume none of the dogs in Hartford are housebroken.)

Florida: DWS (Driving While Sleeping)

A school bus headed to a maintenance shop hit a power line when the mechanic driving it fell asleep at the wheel. The driver was charged with driving too fast for conditions, which leads us to wonder what exactly the police consider to be an acceptable speed for driving while snoozing.

Illinois: Why You Should Never Shop Without A Shopping List

A Bloomington woman robbed a convenience store, left with a bag of stolen money, got into her car, and then realized she had left something behind at the cash register -- her car keys.

Indiana: Sardine Hate Crimes 

In the town of Spades, it is illegal to open tins of sardines or corn beef by shooting them with revolvers. The penalty is three months in jail.

Michigan: You Won't Believe What Hit Him

The National Center for Public Policy Research reported a 27-year-old man was awarded $200,000 after claiming a car crash in Michigan caused him to switch sexual gears. The man testified he became gay after being rear-ended by a pickup truck.

Missouri: Call It Poetic Justice

In our ongoing issues research for the ACLU, we frequently come across instances where a state creates an Adopt-A-Highway program for litter clean-up, only to have the Ku Klux Klan be among the first organizations wanting to sign up. Now what? Missouri resolved the problem by renaming the KKK's stretch the Rosa Parks Highway.

New Hampshire: A Rude Awakening

A sleeping couple was awakened when a 1995 Mercury Sable that had catapulted some 150 feet through the air, crashed through their ceiling and landed on their bed. Miraculously, the couple and the car's driver were all unharmed.

New York: Revenge Of The Voting Machines

During recent elections in New York, two machines broke down after the very first vote. This led a New York Daily News reporter to point out that the incidents give new meaning to the phrase "one person, one vote".

Texas: Something Doesn't Smell Right

A family was awarded $322,000 in damages after a man told funeral home employees that there was an unpleasant odor coming from his father's casket, and asked them to do something about it. An employee took this to mean bury him immediately.

West Virginia: Fire Station 'Fired'

A $1.5 million new fire station in West Virginia was unable to open because it was in violation of the Charleston fire code.

Love Thy Newspaper

Letters To The Editor

We got a kick out of the following exchange between a reader and an editor:

Reader: Your Answer Desk for Thursday mentions Bill Gates' Millennium Scholars Program providing $1 billion to high-achieving minority students. Perhaps since your paper has been so concerned with racial profiling, would you like to speak to this?

Editor's response: Not particularly.

Philly Inquirer

Editors admitted a dummy "mock-up" page was inadvertently released to the printing press. As a result, a boxed note on the editorial page of one edition read: "To comment on editorials, call the Inquirer editorial office. Editorial Board members will roll their eyes and chuckle at your remarks."

One Would Hope So

How's this for an actual headline: Voters could decide in November Election

One Clean Joke

"Dad, will you do my math homework for me?"

"No, sorry, it wouldn't be right."

"Well ... you could try."

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Canadian FSBO

The following classified ad appeared in a Canadian Newspaper:

For sale by owner: 1201 South Warson R. Open House May 24. Lavish two-storey residence, all brick, renovated bathroom, theatre/entertainment room, finished basement, intercom system, tennis court and indoor pool. $500,000 offer.

The catch? The ad was placed by a student. The property is the local High School. The "Open House" date was the last day of classes for seniors.

Adding Insult To Injury

A London man who was run over by a city bus but recovered was astonished to receive a bill six months later from the transit company. They wanted reimbursement for the broken headlight and windshield damage his body had done to the bus.

Warning! Warning!

Sleeping pills now list the following side-effect warning: May cause drowsiness.

You Can Quote Him

Ax murder William "Cody" Neal made the following statement at his death-penalty hearing: "If I lose my life, I can live with that."

Police Fail To Get Their Man

A Texas woman who drove away from a bank at the same time a male robber fled on foot found herself surrounded by police and handcuffed. According to the police, it took about 10 minutes to decide she was not the male suspect.

Top Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty
(Ed. Note: none of these worked)

Please excuse my uncle from jury duty, he is confined to bed with two nurses.

I am a full-time psychic. I will know the guilt or innocence of the defendants in about 30 seconds.

Please excuse me for missing my jury duty. My chauffeur became lost on the way to the courthouse.

I'm not qualified to serve because I'm over 35 years old.

Wild Wild Web

www.onion.com

A recent Health Beat column at The Onion's site offered this imaginative suggestion for quitting smoking: Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking and being awake.

www.darwinawards.com

This site commemorates individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives, eliminating themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner.

thenewage.com/oracles/yesno.html

At last, you can get straightforward answers to all those tricky decisions. Check out this online 'crystal ball'.

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